Let me start by clarifying I don’t have one single regret or negative emotion attached to my daughter. I knew I wanted her before I even peed on the first stick. In fact, I consciously, and subconsciously, manifested her immediately after meeting Dakota. I love him to absolute death, I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. While I wasn’t expecting her to manifest for about half a decade, I’m 30 years old with a lot of life into my years and truly felt ready for a child. But, being so sick during pregnancy was absolutely miserable and very trying. I know it’s not common to be nauseous your ENTIRE pregnancy, but I was, and it really did a number on me mentally.
I always had a fantasy I’d be a really happy pregnant woman. I would run, do prenatal yoga and poop my baby out with as much ease as downing a fruity shot on girls night. That was not the reality. I didn’t want to admit it at the time, mostly because I didn’t even realize it, but while the actual idea of having, and raising, a child didn’t depress me, being pregnant did! It’s so crazy how many negative things you don’t hear about the experience until you are going through it. You hear plenty about the “joys of pregnancy,” “pregnancy glow,” and “increased sex drive.” I had none of these things. Nor had I ever once heard of a woman being as unhappy as I was during pregnancy, and trust me, I googled it trying to find someone to relate to, but the whole thing is very taboo. All of this was accompanied with an irrational fear that I was going to die during childbirth and never get to know my baby. I’m sure my fear was related to the fact my own mother died when I was 18 years old, but it was a very scary thought and I couldn’t shake it. I was pretty vocal about my misery too, but people just looked at me like I was ungrateful or crazy. I didn’t feel empathy from anyone I spoke to and it made the whole experience that much more depressing. I was even hesitant to write about it now until I tested the topic in a couple of Mommy groups I’m in on Facebook. I was overwhelmed with responses from women who experienced prenatal depression as well and were full of gratitude to finally talk about it with others who experienced it. It’s crazy how much it helped us all cope with the guilt we’d felt just by knowing we weren’t alone.
In hindsight I know it was mostly hormones, but I also did not enjoy sharing my body. It was a very lonely time mentally, which is ironic because you are showered with so much love and attention. I kept hearing about postpartum depression and was trying to mentally prepare myself if that were to be my fate, but now being on the other side and realizing I was actually depressed DURING my pregnancy I feel a little confused. I decided to write about it to let other women, who may be depressed during their pregnancy, know they aren’t alone. It comes with a lot of guilt to feel sad about being pregnant. I still don’t understand it because I wasn’t sad about the baby, I was just sad about sharing my body! I loved hearing her heartbeat and seeing her beautiful face on ultrasounds, but I felt guilty over how upset I was to be carrying her when I knew how much of a blessing it truly was. It took me giving birth to her to realize that it doesn’t negate my emotions just because it’s not the most common experience.
I’m happy and healthy now & so is my babe ❤️ I threw her daddy a surprise DADchelor party recently to hopefully help him know how much I truly do appreciate him. Let me remind you, this man knew me a total of ONE month before I started carrying his child, and subsequently turned into a depressive hormonal ball of tears, that needed constant coddling and attention, but we made it through the tunnel to the light that is now our beautiful, albeit unplanned, family. It feels amazing to be able to say “I’m happy” without holding back underlying sadness and tears. Hang in there mommas, you are not alone, and it really does get SO much better! Mostly because you get to laugh at your sweet peanut over farts and shits that could rival a lactose intolerant male adults’.