You hear a lot about the joys and magic of being preggerz, but lots of other things happen while you’re pregnant that are less than joyful and nowhere near being magical. One of these is that there’s a time in every pregnancy when the momma-to-be can no longer see her own poonahnah. This does not make for a convenient sitch when it comes to self-maintenance.
I had all but given up on maintaining a mowed lawn since the beginning of my pregnancy, but it was really time to pawn the mower once I could no longer see the damn thing. Dakota offered to trim my hedges with his electric razor. Between the weight gain, bloating, and inevitable, yet very taboo, hemorrhoids, I felt the most disgusting I’d ever felt in my life and had zero interest in him viewing my lady-parts so closely. Then he said “Well, we could just dye it red and it could be Autumn’s 1st red carpet.” This was one of the many times I peed on the couch from laughing, or sneezing. Being the practical joke loving comedian I am, I seriously considered the idea. No lie. I even looked up non-toxic hair-dyes. I figured there had to be something safe enough since bougie women are regularly dying their tiny dogs pink. Dakota eventually talked me out of the idea because apparently he was only “joking” when he suggested it…
Four weeks out from my due date I decided something must be done about my overgrown garden of love. I tried waxing twice before but it gave me ingrown hairs so badly my vasheen looked like it had an STD. A few different people recommended “sugaring.” It’s all natural and supposed to be significantly less painful than waxing. I found a Groupon and set up my appointment. Apparently the “less painful” part is only true if you aren’t 36 weeks pregnant with all the blood you possess in your body quickly rushing to your hot pocket to prepare for labor. I went in wanting a Brazilian but left with a 70’s-esque landing strip. That ish hurt so effing much! I decided that was my final attempt to prepare my
red carpet for the doctors that would be producing Autumn’s world premiere. I settled with the thought they’ve seen much furrier animals than my own kitty.
Two weeks after pushing my butterball out, I made my first attempt to mow my lawn. It honestly overwhelmed me and I decided I’d tackle it in parts. That was 10 weeks ago. Autumn turned 3 months last week and in celebration I chose to finally get my poonahnah back in tip-top pre-pregnancy shape. Fifty minutes, two razors, and a half bottle of shaving cream later my kitty was ready for the catwalk. I was supposed to do yoga when I got out of the shower but I counted the Gumby moves I had to perform in the shower as my workout. Naturally, when I was done I danced naked in the living room to show Dakota the fruit of my labor. Then I took photos to admire my hard work. I missed a spot. There was no getting back in the shower because my skin resembled a California Raisin. It will have to wait until the next time I get a wild hair up my ass. Literally.